A Tantrum

reflections on my parenting

Photo by Serenity Mitchell on Unsplash

A Tantrum

The other day, we were leaving church and my son asked for a water from the fridge. When I told him to grab one, my daughter asked me if she could have one too. I responded,

“no, how about we share.”

This was not the answer she wanted, so she sat down by the fridge and began to cry and scream.

Have you ever had this happen?

I’ve cried and screamed by many fridges….

There were other people in the kitchen and as I watched her, I thought to myself,

“Dave, this isn’t personal, this is immaturity. She’s only 5.”

After this I took a breath and softly asked her,

“why are you crying, Grace?” To which she cried,

“I want my own!”

I said, “Then just ask. This isn’t the way to ask for things.”

As she wiped away her tears, I grabbed another water and handed it to her.

As I reflect on this moment in the kitchen, I realize that my daughter’s immaturity is not a public verdict on me.

In the moment, though I stayed calm, it was easy to believe that I must put an end to the madness, and if I don’t, then it proves that I’m a failure as a dad and as a parent (I felt the pressure of this). But this isn’t true.

My identity isn’t on trial when this happens, because I’m in Christ (this is hard to remember in the heat of things). I don’t need to weigh my righteousness or acceptance based on whether my daughter is mad about sharing a water, even if she does scream and cry for all to hear.

The fact is: I’m sinful and she’s sinful.

We both need Christ for moments like the one we had in the kitchen.

One thing I find in my heart though, is that the urge to escalate my emotion in order to gain control is ever present in those moments and I share these things because I know you feel the same things that I do.

I feel it rise up in my chest. I want to grab her little arm and firmly say, “You better knock it off.” And, to really prove my point, “No water for you then.”

But, this reaction isn’t based out of shepherding, it’s based out of being impatient and embarrassed. Why am I embarrassed? Because it looks like I’m failing.

In that moment I’m more concerned about my image and not the heart of my daughter. I want others to think a certain way about me. This is manipulation. More than this, the very thing I want her to stop doing, I feel boiling up inside of me. I want to freak out at her freak out.

It reveals a lot about me.

You see, in a way, her tantrum is not just her being loud and crying. Her tantrum is her losing self-control, and it collides with my own need for control, my own fatigue, and often my own fear of what other people think. That is why the moment usually feels bigger than it is and all of these things are added to the crying.

So, I find myself trying to fight the feelings of being exposed, threatened, trapped, and judged, while trying to calm her down. It’s no wonder why so many parents overreact. They aren’t merely trying to handle the situation; they are trying to protect themselves.

What a mess of a man I am.

You might feel the same way about yourself and may even be nodding your head in agreement. I’m glad I’m not alone and I hope you find encouragement in the confession of these things.

Here’s what I think can help us in these kinds of situations:

I find as I consider these things that I need to keep the tantrum from becoming a mirror that announces something about me. I need to stop thinking about myself so much. Because, it’s not about me. It’s about a sinful little girl, showing her sinful daddy that she needs grace, mercy and love just like he does.

It is a moment that reveals that I can’t fix my daughter’s heart, but she needs to be shown Christ. She needs a savior, and that isn’t me. It reveals that I don’t need to prove I’m a good parent, even at church. I don’t need to win public respect, I don’t need to be feared by my daughter to be effective, I can lose the moment and still be faithful and I can be steady because I am secure.

I can face tantrums like this and not take it personal. You can, too.

Christ is the one who justifies, he’s the one who forgives, he’s the one who makes me free to be a dad.

I am responsible for faithfulness, not sovereignty.

I need to keep this in mind. Maybe you can relate?

Cling to Christ!