Modesty and Men

A reflection and exhortation for men

Photo by Md Salman on Unsplash

Modesty and Men

When I say the word modesty, what do you think of?

Who do you think of?

I can tell you with a great degree of certainty that modesty is often spoken of as though it were almost entirely a women’s issue. And usually men appear in the conversation only as those who are affected by it. Even “victims” of it.

I’ve been in multiple conversations where I heard this statement:

“If only women would cover up nowadays.”

At first glance this seems like a pretty good solution. But is this the problem?

In this reflection I want to show how Scripture frames this subject.

Indeed, I think modesty belongs to the larger biblical call to holiness, self-control, and reverence. All of which are not just feminine virtues. No, in fact, and more importantly, they are Christian virtues.

Paul tells all believers to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling” (Ephesians 4:1), to live “with all humility and gentleness” (Ephesians 4:2), and to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14). These passages are for men just as much as they are for women, wouldn’t you agree?

So the question is not whether modesty applies to men. I think most men would agree with that. The question is what does modesty look like in a man’s life?

Indeed, we have to go far beyond just “what we are wearing” or who is allowed to go outside without a shirt.

The Meaning of Aidōs: Reverent Self-Restraint

I think the word aidōs or biblical modesty is deeper than the fabric you wear. It even goes beyond our appearance. It precedes and prevents sinful acts. This kind of modesty has to do with a reverent self-restraint, a bashfulness and what has been described as an “inward soberness” before God.

As I’ve been looking at scripture, I think it’s safe to say that modesty is a refusal to carry yourself with carelessness, and to use your body, personality, or sexual appeal as a display or for manipulation.

As we read Scripture, we repeatedly hear it emphasize the inward disposition.

For example, “Do not let your adorning be external,” Peter says, but let it be “the hidden person of the heart” (1 Peter 3:3–4). I don’t think the point of this is that outward things don’t matter, rather that modesty is never only outward, as is the popular view. Indeed scripture is right when it says, “Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

Our natural disposition to favor this outward appearance gets us into a lot of trouble with our conclusions and our definitions of things like modesty.

The inward disposition, however, applies to men just as much as it applies to women.

Men Are Not Excused from the Call to Modesty

It’s clear that men are called to sobriety, purity, and dignity throughout Scripture. For example, elders are to be “self-controlled, respectable” (1 Timothy 3:2), “not arrogant or quick-tempered” but “self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined” (Titus 1:7–8). Older men are to be “sober-minded, dignified , self-controlled” (Titus 2:2). Younger men are urged to be “self-controlled” (Titus 2:6).

I would argue that all of this is the description of modesty. Again, I want to clarify that this is modesty in its truest sense, because like I said above, modesty goes beyond what we wear. It is just as much, or even more so, an inward experience as it is an outward one.

For instance, a man can be outwardly “covered” and still be inwardly immodest, hungry for attention, ruled by sensuality, loose in humor, careless in speech, and eager to flaunt himself. Yet, Scripture doesn’t allow men to hide behind their outward appearances while their inner life remains chaotic.

More than that, a woman’s outward immodesty in how she dresses often reflects the man’s inward immodesty of his heart. Both are two sides of the same issue. Indeed I think when a woman meets the inward expectations of a man (by what she wears) so that he approves of her, the combination of both are the result of the absence of modesty. And while one may appear more guilty than the other, both are participants of the same error.

The Man’s Battle: Guarding Eyes and Heart

Job says, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” (Job 31:1). Jesus says, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Proverbs even warns, “Do not desire her beauty in your heart” (Proverbs 6:25). We hear John speak of “the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life” as worldly, and not from the Father (1 John 2:16).

So modesty for a man includes the serious guarding of his eyes, his imagination, and his desires. While men and women often face different temptations (men typically struggling more with visual lust and women more with relational desires) Scripture calls both to self-control and purity in Christ.

This is modesty.

Indeed, we as men are not passive in all of this. More than anything we are not a victim of whatever we happen to notice. The man is called to vigilance. This is why scripture plainly says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

As men we are called to fight for inward and outward modesty.

Why?

How a Man’s Laziness Makes Modesty Harder for Women

Because men and women live together in a shared world, the laziness and sin of one affect the struggles of the other. When we as men cultivate lust, approve of sensuality, joke carelessly, flirt unashamedly or normalize impurity, we are in fact helping shape a culture in which faithfulness becomes very difficult. Indeed when pornography fills the mind of the majority of men, how can we conclude that the women would desire to dress differently?

This is why men are commanded to treat women with honor and purity. Paul tells Timothy to regard “younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2). Peter says husbands must live with their wives “in an understanding way, showing honor” (1 Peter 3:7). And Jesus commands a neighborly love that excludes using another person for private desire (Matthew 22:39; Matthew 5:28).

I don’t write this as an attempt of assigning all blame to men. But this is about recognizing that men are morally responsible for what they cultivate in themselves and what they contribute to the atmosphere around them.

The Gospel Foundation for Modesty

Scripture says,

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own” (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Why?

“For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:20). That is the foundation for correcting and understanding modesty in our lives. The Christian man’s body is not autonomous, instead it belongs to Christ.

And that means modesty is not ultimately about managing and manipulating how people view you. That’s a terrible motivation and will inevitably lead you into more perverse sins. Rather modesty is about honoring the one who purchased us.

Scripture says,

“Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God” (Romans 12:1).

And,

“This is the will of God, your sanctification” (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

We must continually align our inward and outward lives in relation to verses like these.

We must continually behold Christ and continually strive to be like him. Indeed we must cling to him.

Both men and women.

What Modesty Looks Like for Men

So what does this look like?

For men, modesty looks like: disciplined eyes, clean speech, self-controlled desires, and restraint in humor and flirtatious conversation.

It means agreeing with scripture when it says, “let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place” (Ephesians 5:4). It means refusing to “walk in sensuality” (1 Peter 4:3). It means learning to be “pure in heart” (Matthew 5:8), to be “slow to speak” and “slow to anger” (James 1:19), and to carry strength as a man of God.

This is modesty, men. And when you pursue this, the women will naturally follow and dress differently.

A Call to Men: Lead with Purity

Men should not hear this as scolding, I am just a man. Indeed you don’t know me. But my aim is to invite you with a summoning:

“Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

That is our call as youth, brothers, sons, and fathers: purity, speech, conduct, love, and self-control.

So we should lead with purity.

We should “flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2 Timothy 2:22). We should “abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Peter 2:11). We should remember that “the grace of God has appeared,” training us “to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives” (Titus 2:11–12).

Modesty is not beneath or apart from us. It is part of what maturity in Christ looks like. It is what makes us men. The world says that the absence of this kind of modesty makes you a man. This is a lie. This is completely backwards!

We must fight for our women and not continue to blame them or use them.

And when a man learns, by grace, to bring his eyes, his speech, his desires, and his thoughts under the rule of Christ, that is when things will change.

Cling to Christ!